Three Shuffled Steps Backwards

These past few weeks have felt like one long exhaling breath as we have searched to find ourselves and our lives again. Wondering a bit, where do we go from here? Feelings of numbness, sadness and glimpses of hope have all risen and fallen with the passing of days. A sort of listless ache has come over my heart. An inner battle that I can’t seem to get past. The trauma that we faced has left what feels like an indelible gaping hole in me. The bleeding has stopped. But now a scar remains. I want so badly for that scar to fade. To strike what has occurred from my memory.

But it still aches. And sorrow still smirks in the distance.

I want to get back to living again. Living my ‘real’ life. The way things, in my mind, were supposed to go. Before everything went so…wrong.

I can’t seem to process all the loss and come out unmarred. Even so, I try. How I foolishly try. It seems the moment the pressure lets up a bit and my feet are no longer to the fire, I find I collapse into old habits of self-focus and self-determination. I can do this. I can and will do this, even if it strangles a bit of my spirit in the process. Had I not learned anything about true strength in the past months? More, about my own engulfing weakness? And the beauty found in my own admission of weakness?

Had I so quickly forgotten, “For when I am weak, then I am strong”? [emphasis added]

But the pain has since turned to numbness, and everything that once raged red has now turned to grey. Even still, I can’t help but wonder why I feel such a need to cover to my scar? To hurry up and cover up any and all evidence of ever being broken. Why do I battle day in and day out to get fitter? Get faster. Get stronger. Get slimmer. To control my size. And my family. To control my health. And my rate of healing. To control what others think of me. And how I appear. I find myself even trying to control the exercises given to me by my physical therapist! And for what?

I can’t seem to find my way.

And it frustrates me.

Today was no exception. Trudging my three-year-old and myself to the car, we made our way to physical therapy in hopes of good news. The rain beat down on the car as we drove, and I tried my best to dismiss the growing ache in my right hip. How could this be happening again?

I had just endured not one hip replacement. Not two. But four.

Four. (Three hip replacements and one incision and drainage)

Pain just wasn’t an option I was willing to come to terms with.

Even so, I hurt.

We made our way into the waiting room, quickly sitting down as I waved familiarly at the secretary. Megan hurriedly threw her coat off in one jubilant motion, only to request I sing her favorite, “Twinkle Twinkle” while she hopped and spun about the room. Her eyes, so joy filled, as I sang. So proud of herself as she moved. Delighted to have gathered the affections of the others in the room, she let out a squeal. I watched, proudly, holding back laughter of my own. I was so thankful for this girl and her youthful ability to be fully in the moment. For her sweet joy that flowed so freely, often pulling me out of myself.

Reminding me to get out of my own way.

How I needed that reminder today.

Two minutes later the others had lost interest, and Megan hopped up on the chair next to me, putting her head on my shoulder and exclaimed, “Mom, I just love you in my heart”.

I was loved through the eyes of a child. My child. And wasn’t that enough?

Moments later we were brought back to an exam room where I was told to put on a pair of oversized shorts for exam. As my physical therapist entered, I began to share regarding my recent right hip pain. I watched as concern came over his face. I knew this wasn’t a particularly good reaction.

Over the past weeks he had cautioned me regarding pushing too much and the dangers in overdoing it, potentially leading to injury. He knew I was motivated. In fact, he had tried to temper such motivation at just about every visit, trying to get me to see what real time progress actually looked like.

I breathed in deep and exhaled, not knowing what was coming next.

He stated, “A single hip replacement typically takes six months to return to baseline (with a good amount of hard work).” He went on to say, “A double hip replacement, well those are just tough. But you, you haven’t had a double hip replacement. You’ve essentially had two major surgeries to each hip. It’s going to take some time.”

Take things slowly? Give it some time? These were not things I did well. I already believed the exercises he had given me to be somewhat feeble and in need of a good ramp up.

This was not the promise for complete healing after four months as previously stated by my surgeon, preoperatively of course.

But my gut told me he was right. Even though I hated to hear it.

A few moments passed, and he recommended I use a cane and hold on any more therapy in the interim.

A cane? I thought I was done with assistive devices! Wasn’t that the point of surgery?

Two minutes later we made our way out to the car, Megan, happily singing in the back seat while I was in another world completely in the front seat, mulling over the past hour in my mind. How long would this setback take? Would I ever be free from hip pain? Was there something wrong with my internal hardware?

And then it occurred to me that perhaps I was missing the point.

Really missing it.

Perhaps the point all along hadn’t been to spare me from any further calamity but instead to teach me the true meaning of rest. A part of me cringes even now at fully embracing this, as I have been wired from the start with the heart of a doer. Rest has never been something voluntary for me. I spent years as a pre-med major in college pushing and striving, somewhat cleverly believing God needed me and my achievements. Even after having been diagnosed with lupus, more time was spent pushing and striving towards becoming a nurse practitioner. Sacrifices were made. Anything it took to get things done. But what I didn’t recognize was that my youthful zeal wasn’t actual spiritual progress. Spiritual fervor coupled with holier than thou travel plans to some remote land- not to mention being subtlely aware of the praise that came with said travels-just didn’t amount to a whole lot. Where was God to be found in all of the ‘me’? And how has it taken me so long to recognize this disparity?

Psalm 23 says, “He makes me lie down in green pastures”. Surely, that was a verse I could relate to, having been made to lie down quite a bit over the past years. And still, I wander.

It seems the real power is found in the quiet. In the resting. In perfect trust.

That is where he shows up best.

Jeremiah 17:7-8 says, “But blessed is the one who trusts in the Lord, whose confidence is in him. They will be like a tree planted by the water that sends out its root by the stream. It does not fear when heat comes; its leaves are always green. It has no worries in a year of drought and never fails to bear fruit”.

Oh, to be like this beautiful tree! And even more, to take a lesson from my girl.

Rest, fully present and trusting in him who created us, singing to him always, “I love you in my heart”.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

“But I trust in you, O Lord…My times are in your hands…” Psalm 31:14,15

Micah 7:7 says, “But as for me, I will watch expectantly for the Lord; I will wait for the God of my salvation. My God will hear me.”

Waiting on Him Who Restores

Our fears from the start of this hip replacement crisis have begun to transpire, as we have discovered my wound has become infected. We got the frustrating news today that I will need to undergo another surgery on Friday. This will be my fourth surgery. Since September. Being on prednisone and (even just having lupus) puts me at a much higher risk for infection and slows wound healing. And so today, I had an urgent visit with my surgeon, as he picked at my wound with scissors and other instruments, and painfully opened in some areas to drain and further assess. We went through several rounds of me holding gauze while he went on to grab more. And as I held the blood soaked gauze to my leg, I couldn't help but note Megan sitting no more than six inches from me on the exam table, perfectly content to be holding stickers in one hand and a lollipop in the other. And it was then that I was struck by the dichotomy that has become my life. To face without any real relief, persisting medical problems. Some scary. Many pain filled. And all so draining. All the while to have a sweet three year old by my side. Looking to me. And to how I respond. Looking to me to be strong. Looking to me to make things fun for her. And more, to make things okay for her. 

I wasn't happy to hear the news. More, there are more risks as we move forward, praying the infection does not move into my bone (which would require an entire new hip replacement, hospitalization with six weeks of IV antibiotics, ect). But I will say, today, despite the chaos and the mess, I am thankful to the Lord for my girl who in her sweet unknowing way, continues to bring unexpected healing to our hearts. 

With loss, particularly physical, it's all too easy to fixate on what is gone. What you used to have. What you used to be able to do. What you are missing. Matt and I have felt from early on in our marriage that our youth had been taken from us due to chronic illness. The things that we longed to do as a couple just haven't been possible.

 

But we have this girl. And on our worst days, her silly laughter somehow breaks through our pain and fills our home with joy. 

It feels like a bit of a gut punch needing to go in again. Only to have chemotherapy waiting for me on the other side of this. But I was recently reminded by a dear friend that there is one thing (amidst all the confusion) that God makes very clear. 

 

He restores. 

 

And so, today we are thankful for our girl. Our gift from him who restores. While it may feel nearly impossible to "be thankful" for what is occurring in this frustrating moment, we choose to GIVE thanks, intent on setting our hearts above, for our sweet Megan.

 

While we wait for him who restores...

 

#teammaver #eyesup

 

 

Too Complex and Really Hard

Today marks six weeks since my hip replacement. And while still recovering, we have learned my other hip has gone on to collapse, leading to a greater abundance of pain. And so, in two short weeks we will be facing yet another hip replacement surgery. It has come as a huge surprise, having to climb this cruel mountain again so soon. We are weary and worn, fighting off a complete sense of defeat.

 

We received the additional news this week that my lupus is again active, leading to more pain and fatigue. Unfortunately, the meds used to treat it are too severe to be given preoperatively. So we are needing to move forward, despite a flare.

All of this feels too complex. And all of this feels really hard. 

 

I've recently been reminded of the story of Joseph, a man who was sold into slavery by his own brothers. He later went on to spend time in jail for a crime he didn't commit. In his heart he remained faithful to God- though at each turn it seemed God was not hearing his prayers. In fact, not only did it seem God was not hearing him, it seemed for years things were only getting worse.

That was a story I could relate to. As it has seemed the more we pray, the more dismal the picture has become. Rather than getting better, at each turn, I've gotten worse. 

Even so, we can't deny the profound grace felt and the overwhelming sense that we are being carried. 

My house is clean, as a friend has hired someone to clean for us. There is food in our fridge, as friends have generously bonded together to provide a meal delivery service for us. People have prayed, and people have called. And God has met us at each step, providing for our every need. 

In the midst of all our pain, he really does carry our world. 

Joseph's story wasn't finished. In the end, God reunited Joseph with his brothers. Not only that, but he also gave him a position of authority, using him to feed the entire nation of Israel during a famine. 

God had been there the whole time. The whole time he was trustable. The whole time he was working. Orchestrating for greater good. Even in what felt like the dark.

John Newton says, "...everything is needful that he sends; nothing can be needful that he withholds...".

Every. Single. Thing. 

Tim Keller says, "Again and again in the Bible, God shows that he is going to get his salvation done through weakness, not strength, because Jesus will triumph through defeat, will win by losing, he will come down in order to go up. In the same way, we get God's saving power in our life only through the weakness of repentance and trust. And, so often, the grace of God grows more through our difficulties than our triumphs."

And so today we are holding to this promise, believing as stated in John 13:7, "You do not realize what I am doing, but later you will understand"...

 

 

Though He Slay Me

 

 

This past week was not at all expected. My surgery was more difficult than we could have imagined. The spinal anesthesia didn't take, and as a result my muscles were tensed throughout the surgery, causing my surgeon to have to work really hard to pull my muscles apart to get to my hip...This led to more pain than I have ever experienced...and continue to experience. Unfortunately I was not completely out during the surgery, and the numbing the spinal would have provided was not available to me. 

 

We got the terrifying news yesterday that my surgical leg is now longer than the other due to excessive stretching, requiring yet another surgery this coming week. 

 

I don't know why all this is happening. 

Or why it has to be so hard. 

But I do know and believe to my core that our pain is not without a purpose. 

 

Job 13:15 says, "Though he slay me, yet I will trust him." 

 

John Piper says,

• "Not only is all your affliction momentary, not only is all your affliction light in comparison to eternity and the glory there. But all of it is TOTALLY meaningful. Every millisecond of your pain, from the fallen nature or fallen man, every millisecond of your misery in the path of obedience is producing a peculiar glory you will get because of that. I don’t care if it was cancer or criticism. I don’t care if it was slander or sickness. It wasn’t meaningless. It’s doing something! It’s not meaningless. Of course you can’t see what it’s doing. Don’t look to what is seen. When your mom dies, when your kid dies, when you’ve got cancer at 40, when a car careens into the sidewalk and takes her out, don’t say, “That’s meaningless!” It’s not. It’s working for you an eternal weight of glory. Therefore, therefore, do not lose heart. But take these truths and day by day focus on them. Preach them to yourself every morning. Get alone with God and preach his word into your mind until your heart sings with confidence that you are new and cared for."

 

 

I Never Wanted to Become Friends

I never wanted to become friends. Not at 33. I figured we'd probably meet somewhere down the line. But not for many years still. I never wanted to lose my hips. Or my other joints. Not at 33. But the thing is, my God is still here. We can feel his peace, even through all this pain. There is a lot of grey. And a lot of questions. But we can still see marks of his love. We see it in our silly Megan, whose laugh reminds us things aren't as bad as we think they are. And I see it in my guy who loves so selflessly no matter how ugly things get.

 

We have nothing figured out.

 

But we will relentlessly continue to hope in the one who does. 

 

~"For our light and momentary troubles are working for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all." 2 Corinthians 4 ~

 



Leaning into My Mess

I reluctantly picked this up yesterday. Not exactly a banner day. Megan asked what it was and I told her it was a "cool sticker". The weight of that sticker weighs on me.

 

I think so often when we are faced with difficulties and pain our first reaction is to retract. And run. And get it to stop anyway we can. As soon as possible. Because who wants to suffer?! As a person of faith, I've noted we tend to pray and plead and even beg God to bring relief from the hard thing. Certainly, it is in no way wrong to ask for help. God tells us to call to him and he will answer us. 

 

But the more I face, the more I think by doing ONLY that, we are actually missing the point. Rather than focusing on removal of the uncomfortable hard thing, I think we are actually to LEAN IN. Lean in to the pain. Lean in to the sorrow. Lean in to broken mess of it all. Elisabeth Elliot writes of a gorse bush with thorns stating, "But that flower was to bloom, not in spite of, but BECAUSE of the thorn." It's the leaning in process that gives painful birth to something beautiful. 

Romans 5 says, "We rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope." A hopeful person is a beautiful person. 

And even more, I think for the first time, I am seeing that leaning in, instead of clawing the sides for escape, there can be peace in uncertainty. 2 Corinthians 12 says, "My grace is SUFFICIENT for you, my power is made perfect in WEAKNESS...That is why I delight in weaknesses...in hardships... in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am STRONG." I've heard this verse a thousand times, but by leaning in, I really have come to see where true strength lies. I've spent years placing my confidence in my career, academic achievements, athletic ability and even looks. But with all of that taken away, I am finally coming to see it is no longer me, the 'strong independent woman', but God IN me, making me strong. And that is not at all dependent on physical ability. 

Many have said "God will not give us more than we can handle, so he must trust me an awful lot!". I believe God absolutely gives us more than we can handle! Giving us what we could handle would leave no room for faith. 

And faith is a beautiful thing. 

During the difficult painful times and seeming 'showers' of adversity also comes rain to water our dry souls. 

If we let it. 

We always have a choice. 

Adversity changes nothing about God's character. It only changes us. By leaning in to God, these showers can become something beautiful. Something life giving. Something eternal. That no physical limitation can squelch.

Lamentations 3 says, "The Lord is good to those whose hope is in him; it is good to wait quietly for the salvation of the Lord...Let him sit alone in silence, for the Lord has laid it on him...For men are not cast off by the Lord forever. Though he brings grief, he WILL show compassion, so great is his unfailing love." 

"You who have shown me great and severe troubles shall revive me again and bring me up from the depths of the earth." Ps 71:20

 

 



Shattering Bones

News of avascular necrosis and hearing the shattering words that my "bones are dying" in my hips and likely elsewhere has been a hard reality to swallow. Lupus (and the meds used to treat it) have taken so so much from us, and continue to take more. Right now there is a lot of bone pain and resultant disability. We are facing many possible joint replacement surgeries and even more, just a grieving sense of loss. Loss of our youth. Loss of our desperate hopes for a bigger family. Loss of many of the things we used to enjoy doing together (running, going to the gym, tennis, walks ect). As we have watched things decline over the past few weeks, I have truly never understood more these verses or found more peace from these words. There is hope for a beautiful life. In pain his grace is no longer a "nice" word. Rather, his grace is something that comes alive. It has searched out our hurting hearts to bring comfort. And it has burst into our home to calm our weary souls. His grace sits with us in our pain and speaks to us songs of deliverance. Somehow in spite of all the ugliness and sorrow, we can feel his peace.

He really does carry our world.

 

 

The View Through a Different Lens



It was a cool Sunday morning in mid-March. The sun deceptively shone, its rays seen but not felt by its onlookers. Any warmth offered was all too quickly swept up by the lingering wintry breeze that persistently rustled through the leafless trees. We had just left church, and Matt suggested we go to a local vineyard. I was hungry and figured a glass of wine on top of an empty stomach wouldn’t bode well. Still, he persisted, telling me he had packed some cheese and crackers, stating, “It will be fine,” to which I conceded.

Thirty minutes or so later we pulled down a long dirt drive, taking in the rich sight of vines with newly sprouted buds, a promising sign of a nearing spring. Soon all would be in full bloom, succulent grapes and flashes of green leaves bursting in every direction. As we continued I noted a small and picturesque pond in the distance, its waters calm and tranquil. Nearby sat a small wooden bench positioned on a wooden deck adjacent to the pond. I wondered who had previously sat in that bench, imagining an older couple coming to sit and take in the view hand in hand year after year.

As we reached the top of the driveway I felt my eyes widen in taking in the majestic sight. A large and enchanting stone building stood before us with an attached trellis, vines elegantly hanging from above. I knew we had climbed considerably in terms of elevation, and as we exited the car I was suddenly aware that we could see for miles.

As we entered the rustic building we made our way across the room to purchase a bottle of wine, and Matt asked if I would like to go outside and walk around while we drink our wine. Feeling charmed by the warmth of the nearby fireplace, I hesitated. Still, I could see on his face that he was really up for a walk so I agreed, hoping it would be a short one.

As we made our way back outside I immediately began to regret my outfit choice earlier that morning. I closed my jean jacket as best I could against my tank top and began to parade my ballet-slippered feet across the grass. As we began walking I couldn’t help but note a large amount of goose feces sprinkled across the grass. I hopped this way and that as we made our way out in an effort to avoid soiling my now seemingly ridiculous shoes, each moment becoming more and more disgruntled.

It wasn’t long before the grumbling ensued. I was cold. And there was poop everywhere. And he needed to know it.

He just smiled and handed me his jacket, completely unbothered by my worsening attitude.

After a few more minutes of walking, he stopped and inquired if I would like some more wine. I agreed.

“Anything to warm me up!” I silently grumbled.

I quickly turned to give him my glass and to my surprise and shock instead of a wine bottle in his hands, he held up a small box. Suddenly aware he had unknowingly gotten down on one knee (and before I could pull a coherent thought together), I glanced at his glowing face, noting a smile ear-to-ear and heard him say, “Will you marry me?”

My eyes instantly widened with delight, and I felt myself put both hands over my mouth and jump three steps backward. Was this really happening? Was this really happening to me?

I suddenly felt like I was in a dream. More, I had prided myself on being a fairly good detective and generally aware of whereabouts of my partner when we were not together. When did he plan this? How did I not know?

Overjoyed, I accepted happily; and he went on to tell me that our families were going to be meeting us at a restaurant to celebrate the day.

I later learned he had met with my father to ask his permission, to which my dad happily agreed.

I had never felt more loved, cherished or excited as I did on that special day.

The following months flew by with excitement and great anticipation for our big day. I felt the cloud that had long followed me had cleared, and suddenly life was viewed through a different lens. One I had not previously seen through. This new lens was full of love and hope and giddy excitement. The kind of bursting emotions the rest of the world generally loosely tolerates when two people are newly in love.

The world, it seemed, was once again at my fingertips; and I was overjoyed to be living in it with my very best friend.

More, lupus was becoming but a distant memory.

There were days, yes, when I would stay in bed after having been out all day the day prior with him. I sometimes secretly wondered if I could keep up. Keep up with all the living there was to be done. I was bound to make it work somehow. To make the pieces fit as I believed they should.

He was careful with me, yes. Though still actively learning about the nuances of chronic disease.

The real sickness though, the months in pain and in bed were growing smaller and smaller in the distance. Perhaps I had paid my dues. Learned my lessons so to speak and put in my time. Was there such a thing?

I couldn’t be sure.

All I did know is that I had known a lot of bad days. And I was sure as heck going to hold on to these good ones for as long as they would stay.

Secrets

The following year was marked by blissful happiness with many carefree and exciting moments. A world had opened up to me that I longingly watched as an outsider for as long as I could remember. While hesitant at first, in no time at all I found myself falling head over heels for this man who I’d known but a short while. He quickly became my very best friend and my biggest supporter, cheerleader and advocate. I was cautious at first, letting him in slowly. I needed to be sure he was going to be around if I were going to open myself up again. Really open myself up.

In time, I shared with him about the hard stuff. It had been on my heart for some time to do so, and I knew if we were going to really, really make this thing fly then I was going to need to suck it up about a thing or two.

It was Good Friday evening, and we had just left the evening service and were on our way to grab some food. My heart raced frantically within me, having been rehearsing what I would say to him through the entire service. I felt my underarms begin to sweat. I needed to not panic. I needed to simply share.

“It would be what it would be,” I told myself.

I heard myself parrot the line all girls tell their girlfriends, “If he’s for you, he’ll stick around no matter what.”

Famous last words, I knew.

Still, I knew it was now or never.

I tried to make small talk as we drove, but he could sense something was up, and I knew it. He asked if I was okay. I never could have a bad moment without him somehow sensing it. I loved that about him.

Except for now.

Now it was making me more nervous than ever.

He asked a few times what was going on. I hesitated, attempting to gather my thoughts. I knew he could tell it was big. I saw the nervous anticipation as he pulled into a nearby parking lot, quickly directing all of his focus toward me.

How could I tell him? How could I share with him about my darkest moments? My best kept secret.

I knew I was risking losing him completely. But I also knew if he was in fact from God for me then it would somehow be okay. I hoped.

More, I knew in my heart it was far better to be brave and alone than to be dishonest and together. I wanted God to be near more than anything. I wanted to honor God. Even if that meant solitude.  

I swallowed hard and choked back tears, as I began to share with him of my jaded past. He had come to know bits and pieces along the way, but there was more to tell. He knew about my history with lupus to some extent, and he also knew I had made my share of mistakes when it came to dating.

He didn’t know however the color palette I had painted wasn’t all pastels with a few small grey dots mixed in. No, there were large cracks and dark spots spattered across my palette. Spots of shame and regret. There were deep streaks of depression and fear. And as much as I loathed and dreaded the idea, it was time for my unveiling.

I began by sharing with him of my visits to the oncologist’s office for a virus I had contracted a few years prior. Horrified and embarrassed, I told him of my surgeries. I waited for him to react. To somehow play it all cool, yet subtly pull away. To somehow make an excuse not to hang out again in the near future. To say something insensitive.

Anything.

I didn’t look in his direction. I just couldn’t.

I felt his eyes burning holes in me from the driver’s side. I wiped the tears from my eyes, and he leaned in giving me a hug.

To my surprise, he wasn’t put off. He didn’t run, and he didn’t condemn. His gentle words told me he accepted me, right then and there. And nothing was going to change that.

I exhaled, feeling a great weight had been lifted. How was that possible?

In that moment, I saw for the first time (in what would be many instances), the deep love of God extended to me, through him. His name, Matthew, aptly meaning “gift from God”.

He was loving me the way the Heavenly Father loved me.

And suddenly, I was free.





Mosaic

 

A week or so later I got word of a church that held a group for college and post-college singles on Thursday evenings. I had no idea what to expect in terms of format or numbers in attendance which admittedly set me on edge. More, I knew the church was more than a few towns away. Even so, I couldn’t deny the strong pull I felt to go and check things out for myself.

 

The following Thursday I got in my car and drove all of fifty minutes to this new group called “Mosaic”. It had been the farthest I had ever traveled to a particular church, and my stomach turned as I considered the possibility of having to make the trek on a regular basis. Was I nuts in driving so far? I shuddered at the notion that my desperation could be driving this change. More, I couldn’t help but wonder if I was making some terrible mistake in leaving my other church. I couldn’t be sure.

As I pulled into the parking lot a distinguished brick building stood before me that nearly took my breath away. Its clean architecture revealed pristine windows and a cross that rested elegantly upon the roof. I had been told Sunday attendance was upwards of two thousand. Having always attended churches of two and three hundred, this felt new and exciting and yet also terrifying in realizing I was not here for a Sunday morning service. I knew I couldn’t just covertly blend in as I could for a Sunday morning.

As I entered the building, my heart began to pound nervously within me. What was I doing? I swallowed hard and told myself to put on a pleasant face. Having near always preferred to know the how’s, when’s and where’s to any given situation, a part of me trembled internally. Even so, I marched myself down the hall decidedly hoping for the best.

I made my way to a room with two large wooden doors swung wide open. The lighting was soft which instantly put a part of me at ease. The room was inviting with wooden bookshelves against the walls and couches and chairs scattered about. There was also a large coffee bar stationed at the opposite end of the rectangular room with several plates of homemade cookies laid out.

Slowly the room began to fill, and I found myself conversing with a friendly brown-haired girl about schools, careers and faith. Throughout the night I spoke to several others, relieved to meet so many who were in the same phase of life. Many had careers in medicine and business while others worked odd jobs to pay for graduate school.

A few hours passed, and the cool night air gently bristled against my skin as I made my way back to my car. As I got in I couldn’t help but pause for a moment, noting a clear sky filled with stars, radiant across a serene sky. As I started up the car I felt myself inwardly exhale, grateful for a good night.

I returned the following week. And the one after that. Thursday evenings soon turned into Sunday mornings too, and in no time at all this new group began to feel like home. It didn’t even matter so much that I was still alone. I was just thankful to be in the company of friends. And for the first time in as long as I could remember,

I felt like I belonged.

I wondered if that was why God had brought me here. To this place.

A few months passed, and a friend casually mentioned one of the guys in the group as a possibility for me. She told me he “didn’t attend regularly but seemed like a solid guy”. I couldn’t remember seeing him before, but I was sure I must have. A group of thirty or so, I figured I’d likely seen him, but I couldn’t place a face. Curious, I began to wonder what this person was like and why she had mentioned him as a possibility?

The following week I hastily got into my car, frustrated by the way my day had been going, knowing I was running behind. School work had been piling, and I was feeling the pressure. As I pulled onto the highway I let out a frustrated prayer, “Please God, let that stupid guy be there”. That was about all I could muster given my bungled dating history.

As I entered the building that night I scanned the room for a seat at one of the tables. All seemed to be full except for one. As I approached the table I noted two guys sitting there, one of which was the guy my friend had mentioned. I was stunned. Had God just heard my prayer? I certainly hadn’t known him to answer my prayers in this particular area.

Amused, I sat down, secretly thankful I had worn a particularly cute outfit that night. We began talking, and he introduced himself as “Matt”. We spoke about our families and our hobbies, and I quickly learned he was an avid runner and hockey player. As we talked I couldn’t help but notice his grey sweatpants and running sneakers. I wondered if he always dressed that way. I secretly hoped not.

Some time passed, and a friend came over asking if she could talk to me. I briefly said good bye, feeling entirely distracted throughout my conversation with her. What had just happened?

The following week I saw him again at a group party, only this time he talked only to me for the entire event. Was this turning into something? Not long after, he asked for my number. He called the following night to wish me good night. And the night after that. And the night after that.

I didn’t know it then, but he would go on to wish me good night for many years to come on the road ahead.





Diverging Emotions

I briskly cracked the driver’s side window open as I peeled out of the driveway on a chilly winter night. As the cool night air invaded my space I began to feel less suffocated, my thoughts less stifled. Driving had always been my sacred place to think. But things were feeling hazy now. And I couldn’t seem to reconcile my diverging emotions. For what felt like an unending lapse in time, my heart simultaneously believed it had achieved what I had been dreaming about since I was a little girl while also regrettably feeling more void and empty than I had yet experienced. It seemed the more successful I became in terms of my career, the more brightly shone the glaring light of truth that haunted the deepest part of me: I was alone.

My final semester was well underway, and I wasn’t sure where I would go from here. I had always found comfort in school. Set schedules. Lectures. Even exams. I liked knowing I could (if I really worked at it) succeed (for the most part- with the exception of a stingy or stubborn old professor here or there). But you get my point. Part of me was filled with wonder in postulating what my first job as a nurse practitioner would look like, curious if that would somehow bring the fulfillment I had been craving. I was intimidated and excited about the road ahead. Even still, there was an aching. I tried my best to cover it up. I knew well how to put on a good face. But something in me hurt. And it oddly was not alleviated by proximity to others. At times, the company of others served to only exacerbate my pain, further reminding me that after all these years I was still alone.

It followed me around as I watched friend after friend go on to become engaged and married. Was I being punished for my prior mistakes? In my heart of hearts I knew that was not the God knew, but I also knew I was no longer a nineteen-year-old girl. Time was passing, and I was starting to get nervous. Was this just not in the cards for me? Was I meant to remain single forever? I shuddered at the idea.

More, my frustration grew as my interactions with the few guys my age that did attend the church I was attending were nothing short of boring and/or rude. I certainly had not been used to that in past years. Why would God bring me here of all places?

As months passed, I began to feel more distant from the friends I had made. Something in me related less, and I couldn’t understand why. I began to feel older, more mature in some way I couldn’t put my finger on. Maybe it was that I had finally come to realize I had always been older, given the events of my past. Maybe it was just time to move on.

A quiet confusion rested on my heart as I struggled to chime in to the worship service the following Thursday evening. I had always loved Thursday night services. They were typically packed, and the worship was boisterous and exuberant. But tonight felt different. As I glanced around the room I couldn’t help but feel like somehow things had changed. And I couldn’t understand why. For the first time since I had first walked through those front doors, I began to feel like I didn’t belong.

Where was I supposed to go from here? This was supposed to be my family. I figured I would probably grow old going to this church. How could this be happening? And what was God doing? I felt in that moment I understood absolutely nothing about the way God works. Having known him since I was a young girl, he felt like a stranger. What was he doing?

I knew I could leave the church altogether. I knew I could leave my faith at the door and just get in the car and go and never look back. A few months prior I had been contacted seemingly out of the blue in the same week by two ex-boyfriends looking to rekindle relationships. It was too big of a coincidence to brush off. But the thing of it was, I hadn’t gone on a date in over a year. And during that time God had healed a lot of my brokenness. And more than that, I had remembered who I was. I was a child of God. And I was loved. And I just wasn’t willing to give that up for anything. Including the company of some guy.

I did tell each of them to come to church if they really wanted to know me and what I was about. Neither ever showed which surprisingly brought great relief and even more healing. God had made it clear that they were not for me. Not one bit. All I needed to do was trust him.

And boy, I’m glad I did.

Not So Black and White



Before I knew it, I was waist deep in notecards and PowerPoint slides for health assessment, nursing research and pharmacology. One day per week was spent on campus attending lectures. It was a full day with little time for breaks. As much I enjoyed my schooling (and truly, I did), I found by the end of each Tuesday, my legs, involuntarily and ever so wildly, bobbed through the last ninety minutes of lecture- a likely consequence of having consumed three cups of coffee, knowing full well my body was done a long time ago. But a girl had to do what a girl had to do to get through.

Two full days per week were still spent at the hospital working as a nurse. I had been on my own in an apartment for some time, and I wasn’t willing to move back home just to complete school if I didn’t truly need to. More, I knew my experiences at the hospital would certainly enrich my growing knowledge base. It also didn’t hurt being in close proximity to those whose careers mimicked exactly what I had been striving toward. And I made certain to capitalize on such opportunities with many seemingly spontaneous (yet previously considered) questions about various roles in the profession.

Two additional days per week were spent at various clinical locations, oddly left to our own choosing and our own finding. The idea of trying different specialties on for size was invigorating. I was getting closer to actually living out what I had been dreaming of for so long. And now I could taste it.

Even still, a smart part of me couldn’t help but acknowledge the nagging thoughts that had been smoldering below the surface. I half wondered if this was all going to be too much. Full time graduate school and part time nursing. I secretly wondered if the deck of cards I had been building was going to come crashing down on me at any given moment. I didn’t know if I could do it. I wasn’t sure it would all work. After all, my body hadn’t tolerated working full time as a nurse. And truly, it was all I could do to work the hours I had been assigned. Now, to add on full time schooling. I couldn’t be sure.

But I also knew there was only one way to find out.

I began my rotations in a primary care setting, an area of particular interest, where I cared for patients with a variety of health concerns, young and old alike. As a novice, I was comforted by the idea that a challenging patient would often be referred on to a specialist. There wasn’t pressure to be the ‘know all be all’ for any given patient. Or so I thought. More, I liked the idea of building rapport with patients and being afforded the opportunity to cultivate deeper relationships over time.

I knew I would never be the practitioner to run head first into a burning building. I wasn’t leading the charge when a patient coded, nor was I the first to straddle a patient to perform lifesaving CPR. I did, however, know when to get help and when to ask for it; and I wasn’t too prideful to do so. Emergency medicine was not in the cards for me, and I was okay with that. As a nurse, I had always found emergent situations to be somewhat draining and rattling, and the last thing I needed was some external stressor to trigger a flare.

And so, I eagerly focused my efforts toward outpatient medicine. I spent my first rotation working with a young primary care physician with short brown hair and worn brown dress shoes. He wore a white coat and a warm smile. His patients liked him, and I could see why. Eager to teach as we went through the day, I found myself vigorously jotting down notes between cases, knowing I was gaining precious knowledge that I wouldn’t have otherwise extrapolated from my textbooks. Some things were just better learned in person. A lot of things actually.

My second rotation was also in a primary care setting with a physician who happened to be very aware of his appearance, frequently discussing his food intake as well as salsa dancing after work. Patient interactions felt rushed and insincere as we raced through the day, seeing upwards of forty patients per day (nearly double what I had seen in my prior rotation). I was afforded little time for questions but was instead handed several medical books to read and memorize. My workload had already reached a staggering level, and it frustrated me that he would add to that. The volume of knowledge we were expected to learn and retain was bordering ridiculous. Doctors had four years to learn what we were expected to crank out in two! Nonetheless, I sat in the back room of his office, book in hand, feebly wondering where I would fall as things shook out over the next few years.

My rotations continued. Gynecology, orthopedics and gastroenterology. As time passed I came to see the primary care glove was not the perfect fit to my hand as I had once imagined. Instead, I found myself drawn to specialty medicine, namely gastroenterology. I was intrigued by the diversity of the field in caring for everything from autoimmune conditions to gallbladder and pancreatic diseases to irritable bowel syndrome to the screening and discovery of various forms of cancer. More, I had seen and cared for a good number of GI patients on the infectious disease unit at the hospital as a nurse. Somehow, it seemed to be an area of medicine that just made sense to me. I knew I would require much on the job training, as I had been in an adult medicine program geared at nurse practitioners working in the field of primary care. More, I hadn’t attended a GI fellowship like that of my physician colleagues. Even still, something in me was up for the challenge.

A few months passed, and before I knew it my clinical rotations were drawing to a close. I couldn’t help but pause for a moment, noting there was far more gray to the medical field than I had originally anticipated. Sure, certain things would always be black and white. A hematocrit of eight would always mean anemia, and a platelet count of 75,000 would always signify thrombocytopenia (low platelets). But there seemed to be quite a bit of gray in the profession as well. This gray area transcended personality types and social skills. It included big things like decision making. There were nuances. Moments of judgment requiring critical thinking, often left to the discretion of the provider based on a given patient’s particular case. I had come to see firsthand that lines weren’t always clearly etched which was both riveting and terrifying.

See, I was always more of a rules girl. I excelled in boundaries. I liked clear-cut solutions and believed hard work should always pay off. “A” plus “B” should always equal “C” and never “D”, “E” or “Z”. But, it turns out, like many things in life, medicine just wasn’t always so black and white.

Black and white, it seems, had been the goggles I had unknowingly worn for as long as I could remember. It was how I saw my profession and even more, it was how I saw my life. This lens of cause and effect was how I, at times (too many times if we’re being honest), judgmentally viewed my friends and family. More, it was how I viewed my faith. It was why I anguished over my rejection from medical school. All the pieces fit, or so I had thought. Why wouldn’t God help me so that I could help him? I was going to be a medical missionary after all. I had been a good Christian, why wouldn’t God make me healthy? Why wouldn’t he make my father healthy? I had turned my life back to him, why wouldn’t God bring a man into my life?

But it wasn’t about me. A lesson I fear I needed on repeat for many years to come. I had much to learn regarding the sovereignty of God. Regarding his power. Regarding grace. And love.

These dreadful short-sighted goggles it turns out, revealed only what was directly in front of me, completely handicapping my vision of God and what he was doing unknowingly all around me.

Maybe, just maybe, it was time to take the goggles off. Maybe it was time to see through a different lens.

Sure seemed scary to me. And with the changes occurring in grad school coming to a close and things at church feeling less settled, I found myself clinging harder than ever to my frail illusion of control. And so I stubbornly duct- taped those bent goggles of mine and adorned them as I had so many times before.

It was going to be a while before I would come to understand what it meant to really see.

And really live free.

Director of the Fear Parade

 

 

Days soon turned into weeks, and weeks into months. My career in nursing was well on its way. But it seemed there was a growing restlessness within me that I couldn’t escape. As much as I tried, I couldn’t deny the emerging dissatisfaction I felt. I had hoped starting over at a new hospital would eradicate any and all prior discontentment. But that wasn’t the case. I found myself listlessly watching the physicians in white coats come and go throughout my shifts. Watching. Wondering what could have been. Frustration rose and fell over me, knowing I was denied a chance they received.

More, why did so many find great meaning inside these walls and yet all I found was monotony? Routine. Time clocks. Rules. Supervisors. It all felt so empty. Restricted. Unchallenging even. Most days I found I blew through my tasks in record time while others struggled to complete all necessary tasks by shift end.

I couldn’t help but wonder, “Was there more”?

The road ahead was hazy with clouds, and there were no clear signs pointing which way to go. More, I still carried scars from the roadblocks I had once encountered. Jaded and unsteady, I knew the God I thought I had once known so well was in fact far different than I had once believed. A part of me wasn’t too sure I was ready to trust him again. Really trust him. After all, I had seen some things. Some dark things. And I had experienced rejection on more than one occasion.

But where did that leave me now? Where was I to go from here?  

I couldn’t be sure.

Without much in the way of assurance or even confirmation, I began my application for nurse practitioner school. I had studied carefully the differences between that of an advanced practice registered nurse (APRN) and that of a physician assistant (PA). I found myself interviewing those I worked with, any and all who would engage. I craved data. I sought personal stories told by those who had gone before me. It was exciting really, considering the possibility of working in a more autonomous role. The ability to evaluate patients, diagnose, order and interpret diagnostic tests, initiate and manage treatments including the prescribing of medications was thrilling to me. An inward stirring had begun again, and it was exhilarating.

I leaned up against the old wooden counter in the charting area one rainy afternoon. I had been talking with a PA who worked in gastroenterology, inquiring about what diagnoses she typically treats.  As she shared, I secretly pictured myself as one of the white coats.  

Would I someday round on these halls?

As I reviewed potential programs, I found the schooling to become a nurse practitioner far more doable, as I could continue working as a registered nurse while I attended school. A PA program would entail a full-time commitment. I knew the PA model would be more empirically based, leaning heavily on the sciences which was initially more attractive to me. But I came to learn that nurse practitioners were in great demand and practicing without supervision or even collaboration with physician colleagues in some states.  

And with that, I submitted my application for nurse practitioner school. I couldn’t be sure I wouldn’t again be faced with more thin envelopes, so I half braced myself for impending rejection. I could no longer rely on my once held ideals that God would help get me in. He had closed the door for medical school, and I knew he could just as easily close another.

But I secretly hoped he wouldn’t.

A week later I stood outside the hospital entrance. It was a warm day, late in spring. Bees were buzzing in the distance, and my eyes soaked in the vibrant hues from a nearby garden. People appeared to be walking in all directions around me, having emerged with nature out of hibernation. The sun gently warmed my arms as I began to make my way towards the door. I hated that I needed to go in. “Just a few moments longer,” I thought.

Looking to stall for just one more moment before the start of my shift, I pulled out my phone only to note an email.

It was from Quinnipiac University.

As I stood there in my turquoise scrubs and blue sneakers, my heart began to beat a little faster.

I had not expected a reply so soon. I had applied not seven days ago. This couldn’t be good.

I cautiously braced myself for what was to come as I opened the email only to find the relieving words, “Congratulations”.

I had been accepted.

The warm spring air swept through my blonde hair, and in that hope filled moment spring had been infused not only into the air but also into my soul. I swallowed hard as I reread those words over and over, waiting for my heart to catch up with my mind. Thoughts flooded my mind as I glanced up at the large hospital building. I was going to get my chance after all. I was going to be able to practice medicine as I had dreamed so long ago.

I couldn’t believe it.

It felt like I had ‘made it’.

And I couldn’t help but wonder if this had been the plan all along? Every painful delay. Every rejection. Even, dare I say, my sickness too? I wasn’t sure I was ready to acknowledge these truths, fully embracing my brokenness as part of his plan for good.   

Ann Voskamp says, “It takes courage to listen with our whole heart to the tick of God’s timing rather than march to the loud beat of our fears.”

I knew I had been leading that marching band for as long as I could remember. In fact, I was an honorary director.

Isaiah 58:11 says, “The Lord will guide you always; he will satisfy your needs in a sun-scorched land and will strengthen you frame. You will be like a well-watered garden, like a spring whose waters never fail.”

He had been guiding me. All along. Even in what felt like the dark.

The clouds were clearing, and it was as if I could see my way again. But why had I been so reluctant to trust him in the haze? Was God only trustable when he did as I saw fit? When he obeyed all of my wishes?

2 Peter 3:9 says, “The Lord is not slow to fulfill his promise as some count slowness, but is patient toward you”. [Emphasis added]

Psalm 103:8 says, “The Lord is merciful and gracious, slow to anger and abounding in steadfast love.”

Not only does he fulfill his promises, not only does he guide us always, but he is patient with our stubborn and slow to learn selves too. And this patience was a life-giving gentle glory that had only just begun to soften my hard and all too self-centered heart.