Our fears from the start of this hip replacement crisis have begun to transpire, as we have discovered my wound has become infected. We got the frustrating news today that I will need to undergo another surgery on Friday. This will be my fourth surgery. Since September. Being on prednisone and (even just having lupus) puts me at a much higher risk for infection and slows wound healing. And so today, I had an urgent visit with my surgeon, as he picked at my wound with scissors and other instruments, and painfully opened in some areas to drain and further assess. We went through several rounds of me holding gauze while he went on to grab more. And as I held the blood soaked gauze to my leg, I couldn't help but note Megan sitting no more than six inches from me on the exam table, perfectly content to be holding stickers in one hand and a lollipop in the other. And it was then that I was struck by the dichotomy that has become my life. To face without any real relief, persisting medical problems. Some scary. Many pain filled. And all so draining. All the while to have a sweet three year old by my side. Looking to me. And to how I respond. Looking to me to be strong. Looking to me to make things fun for her. And more, to make things okay for her.
I wasn't happy to hear the news. More, there are more risks as we move forward, praying the infection does not move into my bone (which would require an entire new hip replacement, hospitalization with six weeks of IV antibiotics, ect). But I will say, today, despite the chaos and the mess, I am thankful to the Lord for my girl who in her sweet unknowing way, continues to bring unexpected healing to our hearts.
With loss, particularly physical, it's all too easy to fixate on what is gone. What you used to have. What you used to be able to do. What you are missing. Matt and I have felt from early on in our marriage that our youth had been taken from us due to chronic illness. The things that we longed to do as a couple just haven't been possible.
But we have this girl. And on our worst days, her silly laughter somehow breaks through our pain and fills our home with joy.
It feels like a bit of a gut punch needing to go in again. Only to have chemotherapy waiting for me on the other side of this. But I was recently reminded by a dear friend that there is one thing (amidst all the confusion) that God makes very clear.
He restores.
And so, today we are thankful for our girl. Our gift from him who restores. While it may feel nearly impossible to "be thankful" for what is occurring in this frustrating moment, we choose to GIVE thanks, intent on setting our hearts above, for our sweet Megan.
While we wait for him who restores...
#teammaver #eyesup
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