My bone marrow has been sluggish, yielding only a 0.7 bump in white blood cells from yesterday’s levels. (We had been cautiously hoping for a 3-4 point increase.)The hematologist has informed us that because I have been on immune suppressing medications for so long, my bone marrow may take longer to stimulate. Additionally, my platelets have begun to drop.
Infectious disease wants to keep watching me until all blood cultures return (which may take days) and my numbers normalize. In the mean time, I continue on IV antibiotics and neutropenic precautions (ie. elimination of all germs, mask wearing, obsessive hand washing, no raw fruits or vegetables), as even a small bug could be catastrophic at this juncture.
And so we wait. In conditions that are less than ideal. Away from my babies. On a broken bed that sounds like a vacuum, inflating and deflating all night long.
But even in my current state of misery, the hand of God has been evident in the details. Matt and I left vacation a day early. Had we stayed, I wouldn’t have gotten labs drawn to discover the gravity of my numbers which could have easily cost me my life. Literally.
We also see him in my rheumatologist, who called me from her vacation in Maine to tell me to emergently come in. She has continued to not only follow up with the doctors here, but also text me personally. Who does that?
I came across this verse a few days ago while reading the book of Luke, and it hit me, though I know I’ve read it before. It was spoken by Elizabeth to Mary upon learning Mary was pregnant with Jesus.
“Blessed is she who has believed that the Lord would fulfill his promises to her.” (Luke 1:45)
She believed him.
I think maybe one of the reasons it stuck out to me was that I was doing the exact opposite. I was struggling to believe God’s promises for me. Struggling to trust him fully. Struggling to turn to him first- before Matt or my parents or if we’re being honest- a show, or a workout or even a pathetic bowl of ice cream. Sometimes I struggle to turn to him at all.
And even STILL, I can see a river of grace behind me.
He is faithful when we are faithless.
Lord that you would increase my faith. To not assume the worst is coming. To not be ruled by anxiety or fear of what others are thinking. To not need to control everything for there to be PEACE.
To TRUST first and not last.
To HOPE first and not sometimes.
To KNOW you hold all things, know all things and can be fully and completely trusted, no matter how ugly things get.
If you’re anything like me, maybe you could use this simple prayer too:
Help me believe him too.đź’—
So here’s to a beginning. I have been wanting to write for a while but haven’t been able to pull together the words as to all that I have been feeling and learning. It has been on my heart to share some of my experiences that have truly shaped me to be the person I am. It has pressed on me to share about some of my darkest times and how I was carried through. This blog is dedicated to the Lord, the very one who carries my world.
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