The boys will be eight months next week. And if we’re being honest I have tried and failed *many* times in working toward a healthy eating and exercise plan since their birth. It has taken all the energy I have and then some to get to this point. And while I couldn’t be more thankful for my precious boys, I recognize my own need to live more graciously not only toward others- but even more so, toward myself.
I find myself struggling through a minor flare, requiring more prednisone and watching the scale move in the opposite direction. My inner voice reels with shame as I watch the numbers rise. And while my rational mind knows there are some things I just *cannot* control, I find myself too often affected by it all. Is it possible that God is showing me through my own struggle that I am *still* not in control? That perhaps I still haven’t quite grasped the lesson? Cough...previously, refused the lesson...#honesttalk
I *often* wonder if this apparent roadblock was put here for good. I cringe as I write these words knowing just how many times I have stubbornly crashed into said roadblock headfirst. Willpower! Determination! That was I all I needed to succeed, I felt. The thing is I had all the determination in the world. But my body. It had other plans. I have learned that this body of mine is intolerant to most diets and all forms of extreme exercise. I realize this may not be a big deal to most, but for a former college athlete who has found therapy and release and even *joy* in exercise most of her life, it comes as a frustrating loss.
Despite my best efforts the majority of diets I have tried have landed me in a flare- leading to more prednisone- leading to more weight gain. It’s been an exhausting cycle of disappointment and despair. But this morning I was reminded of a God who takes that which was meant for evil and uses it for *our* good. Could that be the case here? Could he be working an eternal weight of glory in me, if I CHOOSE to let him? Oh how many times I have chosen myself instead.
Maybe sharpening me on the inside is what actually counts. Maybe this wall I keep hitting, preventing me from any “progress” is a blessing. A blessing with regard to eternity. Because maybe this sharpening, this friction is something that will bring me closer to him and a little less focused on myself. Maybe the fit moms in heaven will be the ones who look a little worn and soft here on earth. Maybe they’ll be the ones a little less concerned with selfies and six packs and perhaps a little more concerned with *allowing* themselves to be inwardly sharpened, no matter how painful it may be.
I’m praying today that as I move toward a healthier beginning my internal self would shine a little brighter regardless of what happens on the outside.
Be reminded today that he really does redeem ALL things for good.
If we let him.
#momthoughts #lupus #honesttalk
I find myself struggling through a minor flare, requiring more prednisone and watching the scale move in the opposite direction. My inner voice reels with shame as I watch the numbers rise. And while my rational mind knows there are some things I just *cannot* control, I find myself too often affected by it all. Is it possible that God is showing me through my own struggle that I am *still* not in control? That perhaps I still haven’t quite grasped the lesson? Cough...previously, refused the lesson...#honesttalk
I *often* wonder if this apparent roadblock was put here for good. I cringe as I write these words knowing just how many times I have stubbornly crashed into said roadblock headfirst. Willpower! Determination! That was I all I needed to succeed, I felt. The thing is I had all the determination in the world. But my body. It had other plans. I have learned that this body of mine is intolerant to most diets and all forms of extreme exercise. I realize this may not be a big deal to most, but for a former college athlete who has found therapy and release and even *joy* in exercise most of her life, it comes as a frustrating loss.
Despite my best efforts the majority of diets I have tried have landed me in a flare- leading to more prednisone- leading to more weight gain. It’s been an exhausting cycle of disappointment and despair. But this morning I was reminded of a God who takes that which was meant for evil and uses it for *our* good. Could that be the case here? Could he be working an eternal weight of glory in me, if I CHOOSE to let him? Oh how many times I have chosen myself instead.
Maybe sharpening me on the inside is what actually counts. Maybe this wall I keep hitting, preventing me from any “progress” is a blessing. A blessing with regard to eternity. Because maybe this sharpening, this friction is something that will bring me closer to him and a little less focused on myself. Maybe the fit moms in heaven will be the ones who look a little worn and soft here on earth. Maybe they’ll be the ones a little less concerned with selfies and six packs and perhaps a little more concerned with *allowing* themselves to be inwardly sharpened, no matter how painful it may be.
I’m praying today that as I move toward a healthier beginning my internal self would shine a little brighter regardless of what happens on the outside.
Be reminded today that he really does redeem ALL things for good.
If we let him.
#momthoughts #lupus #honesttalk
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