So here’s to a beginning. I have been wanting to write for a while but haven’t been able to pull together the words as to all that I have been feeling and learning. It has been on my heart to share some of my experiences that have truly shaped me to be the person I am. It has pressed on me to share about some of my darkest times and how I was carried through. This blog is dedicated to the Lord, the very one who carries my world.

Sunday, September 18, 2016

Life After Death


A few months passed. It was winter now. With each passing week, I found myself coming back to that same place. And with each visit I found the barricade I had put up to guard my shattered heart slowly begin to weaken. I had felt safe knowing that others didn’t’ know my past or know my story in any capacity regarding my illness or otherwise. But I came to realize that such secrets weren’t necessary or even helpful. Because the real freedom is in the telling. The telling of our beautiful and ugly truths.
And so, with time friendships were strengthened; and I began to remember. I remembered the girl I was all those years ago. And the heart that I once had. I didn’t know I could get her back, having endured so much loss. I didn’t know I could find her again, having been broken what felt like one too many times. I knew I had been repeatedly used. And a little voice inside told me I was damaged goods. And that the girl I once knew, she was gone for good.
But in time I came to know a different truth.
And it is one that has stayed with me til this very day.
There can be life after death.
Ephesians 2:4, 5 says, “But because of his great love for us, God, who is rich in mercy, made us alive in Christ even when we were dead in our transgressions.”
I wasn’t at all proud of the girl I had become. But I also couldn’t deny what I felt. God had taken my heart that had been so wrecked and had given it new life. I assumed no one could ever want me. Not truly, if they learned of my past.
I didn’t even want me.
But he began to show me his love for me, giving me a second chance. Not just for love, but for life. He was giving me real joy despite circumstances.
A few months passed. I quickly tightened the scarf around my neck and hurried into the sanctuary to find my friends. The church was holding a women’s conference that evening, and I was running five minutes behind. I hoped they would save me a seat. As I entered, I wasn’t entirely sure what to expect.
I hoped it wasn’t going to be a gathering to ‘celebrate the days of our lives’ as females. Or worse, ‘hoorah women’. I hoped it wasn’t going to be cheesy. I was all for becoming a strong woman. In fact, I believed God had given me quite a bit of strength. But I found over the years the theme girl power tended to ring somewhat cheesy under the umbrella of faith, at times lacking in authenticity.
And I needed real.
Little did I know what the night would hold.
I spotted four of my girlfriends from across the room and began to shuffle down a row of chairs in their direction. I had become close with these girls over the past months. While each different, I found comfort in learning they cared about me. We didn’t have the same backgrounds, and we hadn’t gone through the same things. But even so, they had become my people.
A few moments passed, and the night was started. We were asked to stand and all began to sing. We sang two songs and were then seated. The guest speaker was then introduced. She was an older woman with a strong voice and a commanding presence.
I immediately liked her.
While typically leery of guest speakers, particularly those with great confidence, something about her spoke to me. She began to speak, telling us several stories. She was quick to get a laugh but also quick to reveal personal stories of her own life. I had always admired women who could self-assuredly speak to a crowd or command a room. I found I was always more comfortable in smaller groups or behind the scenes.
As the night drew to a close she asked the crowd to stand to their feet. As we stood, she began to pray. And as she prayed, she began to point to various women in the audience, motioning them to come forward.
I knew she didn’t know these women.
I knew perhaps God had given her something to say to them.
My heart began to race, experiencing both curiosity and dread in the same terrifying moment.
I truly did not want to go forward. But more than that, I found something in me did. Something in me needed to hear from God. More than my desire to avoid the lime light. And I found myself in that instant, begging God to see me. To speak to me. To let me know he saw me. And that I wasn’t always going to be alone.
I had been attending church for a while now, and while I loved my girlfriends deeply, I was one of only a few who were single. My close friends had either become engaged or in relationships since I’d first met them. And while I was happy for them, I couldn’t help but wonder when it was going to be my turn.
Had my past somehow stained my future in some unrepairable way? Was I now destined to a life of singlehood?
The more time that passed, the greater I began to secretly ache on the inside.
Did God see me?
I glanced up, dismissing my spinning thoughts, only to note the speaker’s eyes lock with mine. And I watched with shock as I saw her waving her arm for me to come forward. Me? She motioned again. There was no getting out of this. And so, I inhaled deep and began to make my way to the front.
I watched as she prayed for the other women, one by one, that had come forward. With each prayer, she had something special and also specific to say. I felt my knees quiver in anxious anticipation.
Had God heard my prayer not five minutes ago?
While naïve to many things, this was not one of them. I had been in many church services. And had heard and seen many things over the years. Some of which hadn’t sat so well with me. There were some churches I simply wouldn’t go to because of what felt like attention seeking or outlandish behavior.
But this was different somehow.
As I stood there, I felt an unexplainable peace. Without her even saying a word to me, I felt loved. I knew in that moment, something amazing had happened. I had pleaded with God to show me he saw me.
And he did.
As she made her way to me, I had no idea what to expect. I felt myself get nervous as she placed her hand on my shoulder. As she began to pray, she told me I was a woman with many gifts. She repeated it over and over. She went on to say that I was blessed in the natural and the supernatural. She ended her prayer by stating, “God has somebody for you. In the right time. And in the right way”.
Chills ran down my spine. I was stunned.
I knew there was no way for her to know that I was single.
I knew there was no way for her to know I so desperately needed to hear those very words.
I knew, in that moment, God hadn’t just heard me.
He had answered me too.

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