Cellcept

Two days later I stood in front of the mirror in my room nervously holding the bottle of blue-green pills. My stomach turned as I considered what those next few weeks could hold. I knew the pills would dictate what my life would look like, and I hated that. I hated taking new medications. I hated the fear and dread that came with the unknown. I wanted to run far away from my own body. It was hard not to be fearful consuming a drug known to wipe out one’s immune system. I knew Cellcept had been used to treat organ transplant patients, and that sounded pretty serious to me. I knew side effects included possible nausea, vomiting, diarrhea, headaches and dizziness. I also knew my immune system would become compromised, leaving me susceptible to catching any and every illness in my vicinity. However, what truly frightened me was the knowledge that this medication would also put me at risk FOR cancer. I was at risk for lymphoma by simply taking the medication. I did not take this lightly. The risk was small. But it was there. I gazed in the mirror, looking myself over, staring at my own eyes and searching for strength. I knew there was no way around this, no matter what it looked like. My kidneys were in trouble, and there no going around that. Only right on through. And so I swallowed those first pills regretfully. But I got them down.  

It may sound strange, but I was relieved that I did not immediately die after taking those pills. I was weirdly proud though seemingly insignificant of having overcome another fear. And so came the nausea. On and off and on again. And with it came a sense of exhaustion that seemed to creep into my daily routine in a way I had not predicted. I was relieved however that the other symptoms I had so dreaded remained at bay.

And so it was back to living, as best as we could muster. I had been commuting to Southern Connecticut State University for the past semester. It had been a lot to handle, but I knew in my heart I was not ready to give up on my dream. I despised going to Southern. It was a shot to my pride, as I had previously been offered the chance to play college volleyball at Southern Connecticut as a high school senior. But I wanted to get away. I wanted to have an adventure. Commuting to school sounded awful to me, as I had so wanted to discover myself in a new place with new people. I remember feeling so misunderstood in high school. And I knew too many people from high school were going to be attending Southern. I had wanted something different.

Something different.

For a brief moment I recalled a prayer I had prayed more than once during my schooling in New York. It was during a time that I had felt very close to God and was praying regularly.  I had been annoyed by the “ring by spring” mentality of the conservative school I was at, with seemingly everybody getting married as soon as possible. While I deeply loved the people, I just couldn’t get past the idea of so many getting married at barely 21 years of age. And it wasn’t just my school. It seemed to span across the entire Christian community. Didn’t anybody want to accomplish things?

I thought about my time with Dr. White in Kenya and all the doctors and nurses working at Tenwek Hospital. Such good was being done. From the woman who underwent an arm amputation because of a gangrenous infection, to the man who had been shunned for years in his home and was able to finally undergo tumor debulking surgery, to the man with an arrow removed from his head, to the woman recovering from being stabbed with a sword by her husband, to the many undergoing upper endoscopies for esophageal cancer screening and treatment; so so much good with seemingly countless stories. There were scary parts too. I had inadvertently learned of two women (a resident and a nurse) working at the hospital who had traveled off the compound to do a prevention clinic two weeks before I arrived and had been raped. During my time in Kenya the American Embassy was shut down due to bomb threats. There was a lot of danger too, which made the intentional sacrifice of those that worked in the hospital all the more amazing. I couldn’t help but hope a position like that was in the cards for me. Such raw generosity and courage to be able to live that kind of life. I only hoped to be that brave. I knew there were doctors all over the world making change and helping spread love. I wanted that for my life even more than I had wanted a family. I wanted to do something big.

With my growing annoyance I had asked God to give me something different. To not let my life be “normal”. I told him I didn’t just want to do the traditional settle down and have kids. I wanted a challenge. I wanted to do something different for him.

Something different.

I dismissed the thought immediately. Clearly God had gotten the memo all wrong.